Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
