wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
