It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
