Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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