You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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