careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
