On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
