just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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