New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize