I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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