so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Blood and glitter go together right?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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