I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
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