I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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