when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
