I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If I die, sorry about rent.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
