Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
