My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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