I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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