hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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