I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
