just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
