Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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