Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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