I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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