Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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