remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
