right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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