found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
