Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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