I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
