I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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