I wish life had little blips of pornography
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
