I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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