The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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