I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
