Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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