If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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