you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
