Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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