I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
