if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize