DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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