woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
