They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
