i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
