I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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