Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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