She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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