you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize