In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
