the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
