I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
