Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
