Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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