Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
