Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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