I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
